Last weekend, Marc and I ventured all the way out to Plainfield to hit the Old Navy at Metropolis Mall.  Normally, we would never go that far away to visit Old Navy, but it turns out that besides Anderson and Kokomo, Plainfield is home to one of the only Old Navy stores that carries maternity wear in-store.  Ridiculous, I know.  I would have thought that it would be just the opposite…that the Indianapolis stores would carry it and the smaller-town stores would not.  But then again, I’m not running the show.

Let me tell you that maternity clothes shopping was not as fun as I thought it would be.  First of all, the in-store selection is minimal, although the cashier assured me that there are many more items available online.  This doesn’t really make any sense to me.  When I wasn’t pregnant and had a pretty clear idea of exactly what clothes might look decent on this body, the idea of shopping online wasn’t really a big deal.  Why would I need to shop online then anyway, given the fact that the stores were chock-full of clothes from which to choose?  But now — now that my body is starting to get all out of proportion and various parts of my anatomy are much larger than they have ever been before in my entire life — I’m stuck having to shop online without so much as the slightest chance to gawk at myself in the fitting room mirror.  The injustice.

I was already a little put off when I got to Metropolis, because truth be told, I think that the idea of an outdoor mall in Indiana is pretty laughable.  I mean, anyone who has spent any time here realizes that the temperature is usually either 90 degrees with 90% humidity or 15 degrees below zero with about three weeks of “outdoor shopping appropriate” weather in between.  I guess somebody forgot to tell the folks around here about that.  But back to the story…  When we finally walked into the Old Navy, I was really impressed with the store.  It was a little nicer than some of the Old Navy stores I’ve visited.  So I started walking around in search of the maternity section.  Women’s section — huge.  Men’s section — decent.  Children’s — yup, big.  Maternity….maternity… maternity???  Ah, yes — as big as my closet.  I honestly think that the pet’s section may have been larger.  That wasn’t going to stop me, though.  I was going to find some maternity clothes, darnit.  But where to start?  I decided to just go for it and grabbed a couple of pairs of dress pants, some jeans, and a handful of tops.

I headed to the fitting room, Marc found a cozy seat in the waiting area, and the trying on began.  Outfit #1…blech.  Outfit #2…blah.  Outfit #3…okay, now I’m getting a little miffed.  I don’t think I even ventured out of the fitting room to show Marc my choices until about halfway through the ordeal.  The problem, as I saw it, was that everything just made me look like (as I explained to Marc) a frumpy frumptress.  Now, I know that’s not a real term, but I’m sure you get the point.  By design, most maternity clothes are meant for comfort and easy fit.  We’re talking elastic waistbands, “panels,” and empire waist tops (yes, I suppose tops need waists now).  As I stood there feeling like I was wearing something fashioned out of an entire bolt of ill-fashioned polyester/cotton blend, I started to get a little sad.  I’ve waited to become pregnant for so long that I want to celebrate this new-found baby bump that’s finally starting to show…not hide it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to pull a Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair circa 1991 – nor do I feel compelled to wear clothes that reveal my bare bump — but come on, is it too much to ask for a slim-fitting t-shirt or some jeans that don’t make me look like Ronald McDonald?

As you can see from the illustration above, the problem is that I really don’t have hips…yet.  (Can you hear the collective snickers from women with children who are saying, “Just you wait!”?)  But for the time being, I don’t.  I’ve always been relatively straight in the hips department, which has often given me issues while pants shopping.  Because if you don’t have anything to fill them out, you end up looking like our Happy Meal toting friend above.  And when you enter the world of maternity clothes, it just gets worse.  Part of what I appreciate about maternity clothes is the concept that they are meant to grow with you throughout the nine-months of your pregnancy.  In many ways, this is a great idea — especially when you’re considering your pocketbook.  But in other ways, it’s kind of tricky, because I’m obviously not as huge right now as I will be at say, Christmas.  So you can see the conundrum.  Obviously, they’ve constructed all of the pants with the knowledge that — like it or not ladies — your butt is going to get big.  And evidently big enough to fill out the extra room they’ve included in the seat of every pair of pants.

At the end of the day, I ended up purchasing just one pair of dress pants (which Marc complimented me on the other evening….ah, I LOVE him!) and one black t-shirt.  That’s it.  All of that hassle for one stinkin’ pair of pants, a measly t-shirt, and a new question to ponder.  So when does my butt get big?